Okay, so first of all, Kaydance was having some issues and so I took her to the doctor. He thought that she might have a milk protein allergy and so he suggested I put her on soy formula and stop eating dairy for a week. (At this point in time I was breast feeding as much as possible and supplementing with milk-based formula.) So, I took his advice and put her on soy formula and quit drinking my precious milk. I also could not eat cheese, yogurt, sour cream, cottage cheese, ice cream, or any other grocery item containing any of the above mentioned ingredients. That was probably one of the hardest weeks of my life.... seriously. I thought I might starve. I was going to eat a salad, but of course, no ranch, and who wants just lettuce? How about some spaghetti... without cheese? I don't think so. Grilled cheese sandwich? No. Tacos with cheese and sour cream? No. No. No. No. Everything. No. But the good news was that Kaydance was doing much better and I was still able to breastfeed.
After a week of that I decided I was going to die without any dairy in my diet. I seriously considered going with soy milk, but realized that would only allow me to have a glass of milk with dinner or a bowl of cereal, but still no cheese, yogurt, etc, etc. It was at this point that I decided I would just stop breast feeding and go strictly with formula. Today was the first day of this new diet for Kaydance and she was doing fairly well until she needed to releive herself. She is quite constipated and not too pleased with me. And to add to this miserable-ness, I took her to the doctor again to get her 2 month immunizations. She looks so sad and just moans with discontent.
I feel bad for doing this to her all at once, but I guess now I'll just have to deal with her fusiness for a few days and it will be over for a while. I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I'm seriously thinking about calling my teacher to tell her I can't come in because my baby needs me, and my patient cancelled for tomorrow and I can't find another one. I don't want to leave her with the baby sitter, not only because she probably won't be the best baby for her, but because
I want to be the one to comfort her and be there for her.
The past few weeks I was doing pretty good about having a schedule and being alright with things the way they are in our lives, but this past week has been a struggle for me. I was ornery because I couldn't find anything to eat, but I also felt like I was leaving my baby and not being the mother that I need or want to be. I am SO READY to be done with school so I can stay at home with her. That is what I want the most. I don't feel quite up to par on motherhood because I leave her everyday, I no longer breastfeed her (which is one of the things I enjoyed most and made me feel motherly), and now I can not comfort her when she is in pain.
And not only is she in pain, but I'm in a little (or maybe a lot) of pain as well. I feel like I did a few days after I had Kaydance and my milk came in; and all the fun the goes along with it. (I won't elaborate here, but I'm guessing that some of you mothers know what I'm talking about, and perhaps a few select people whom I elaborated to at that time about said condition and how I felt about it)
I guess I just need some encouragement to get me through all of this. It was really hard at first, then got a little easier the next few weeks, but is now back to being super difficult. Please pray for me and Kaydance that we can have the strength to make it through and to be happy while we do it.
