Well, the craziness of the next eight months in our life has officially begun. School started on the 26th for me, which brought about some mixed feelings. It was kind of fun and exciting to be starting school again, especially since it's my last year, but at the same time, it was really hard for me to have to leave Moab and be here with a two week old baby who I have to leave with a sitter everyday in order to go to classes to get a degree that I don't plan on using extensively.
This first week went okay considering the fact that I didn't have a sitter (thanks to my mom and sister for helping out last minute), my books, or a patient to practice on. I'm hoping these next few weeks will go a little smoother, though.
Things without Trevor here are really different for me. I mean, there have been times when he has had to leave me alone for a few days, even 3 weeks at a time, but I always knew that he would be back to stay for a long time before he had to leave again. And adding a baby to the equation makes things a little more challenging. There have been a few times already, even though it's only been one week, that I have really wondered if I could do it all; that I have doubted my abilities; that my emotions have gotten the best of me; that I have thought seriously about just giving up and going back to Moab to be with Trevor and our families. I hate leaving Kaydance in the morning knowing I won't see her for the next eight hours, I hate coming home to an empty house, I hate making dinner for one and eating by myself, I hate going to bed alone knowing that the next day will only bring more of the same, but I will only be more sleep deprived than the day before. But I love having Kaydance here with me, she brings me so much joy and keeps me company, and I love my apartment, as empty as it is sometimes, and I love that I have food to eat and a kitchen to cook it in, and I love the fact that I at least get some sleep each night, albeit only about 3 hours at a time.
I love that Trevor's job is so willing to work with him and that he's able to come up on the weekends, I love that he is so willing to help in whatever way he can, I love that he always wants to hold and play and cuddle with Kaydance, I love that he makes the time to be with me, I love that he tells me I'm doing a good job and that he loves me. But I hate the fact that I have to go four days without seeing him, I hate that he is only here for three days at a time, I hate that the time goes so quickly, I hate thinking that he is missing out on a part of Kaydance's life, and I hate having to say goodbye to him every Sunday.
As you can see, it's all bitter sweet for me. I'm still trying to get used to this whole idea and lifestyle change. It will be hard. So hard. I know that the Lord doesn't give us trials that we can not overcome, but sometimes I still wonder about this one. So, please, be patient with me.
Malia's Birth Story
3 weeks ago